Etty Hillesum

"One should want to be a balm on many wounds."

"Never give up, never escape, take everything in, and perhaps suffer, that's not too awful either, but never, never give up."

"If one finds the strength to deal with small things, one finds it to deal with the large ones as well."

Growing Older

I wish I had someone to teach me how gracefully to grow older.

One Woman Eccentricity

It was long after the midnight when my husband came to bed, all hopeful to finally get to sleep after the day of seeing people, arranging dinner and putting baby to sleep.
When I touch him on the shoulder, he still kindly turns and asks, "What is it?"
"Can we talk?"
"Now?"
"Well, yes. When I talk to you I get to know you better."
"Is it? Well, maybe you can talk to me while I sleep then?"

Hmm...that never occurred to me.
And I thought, "Maybe I should get to know myself better."

Trapped In A Bottle

How true it is when they say that crowds never secure a man from loneliness.
A human can scream and shout for help out of despair, only to be like a beetle trapped in a bottle, where it is left to the horror of its own wounded fate, resembling into the echo of an inevitable death, while the outside, all glittery and gay, passes the pretense of serenity and sanity, outrages upon the simplicity of a sincere heart and desecrates the ideals of purity and charity.

Many of us, at least once, get into a bottle and scream, and some make it out, while others find their resting place inside the suffocating bottle.

The Christ of the Indian Road
by E. Stanly Jones

Parts from the chapter The Concrete Christ. I quote parts of it, the rest you can read in the book.
“Jesus the mystic appeals to India, the land of mysticism. But Jesus the mystic was amazingly concrete and practical. He taught but he did not speculate. He never used such words as “perhaps,” “maybe,” “I think so.” Even his words had concrete feeling about them. They fell upon the soul with authority of certainty.
He did not discourse on the sacredness of motherhood- he suckled as a babe at his mother’s breast, and that scene has forever consecrated motherhood.
He did not discourse on the dignity of labor- he worked at the carpenter’s bench and his hands were hard with the toil of making yokes and plows, and this forever makes the toil of the hands honorable.
As he came among men he did not try to prove the existence of God-he brought him. He lived in God and men looking upon his face could not find it within themselves to doubt God.
He did not argue, as Socrates, the immortality of the soul – he raised the dead.
He did not teach in a didactic way about the worth of children – he put his hands upon them and blessed them and setting one in their midst tersely said, “Of such is the kingdom of God,” and he raised them from the dead.
He did not argue that God answers prayer- he prayed, sometimes all night, and in the morning ‘the power of the Lord was present to heal.”
He did not paint in glowing colors the beauties of friendship and the need for human sympathy – he wept at the grave of his friend.
He did not teach in the schoolroom manner the necessity of humility –he“ girded himself with a towel and knelt down and washed his disciple’s feet.
He did not prove how pain and sorrow in the universe could be compatible with the love of God- he took on himself at the cross everything that spoke against the love of God, and through that pain and tragedy and sin showed the very love of God.
He did not discourse on the beauty of love- he loved.
He did not merely tell us that death need have no terror for us- he rose from the dead, and lo, now the tomb glows with light.
Many teachers of the world have tried to explain everything- they changed little or nothing. Jesus explained little and changed everything.
Many teachers have tried to diagnose the disease of humanity- Jesus cures it.
He did not go into long discussions about the Way to God and the possibility of finding him- he quietly said to men, “I am the Way.””

Rain

This rain, like the unleashed dogs, ran on the streets, biting the passers-by, making them rush and jump over the puddles, all wet.

I like rains, but now I appreciate my warm home and the big French window.

Yes, We Are Ready For The Game!

Thoughts

Like the autumn leaves plucked by the wind from a tree, my thoughts, before they could become words, were thrown into the silence, like the rain wet ground, where they got stuck and never became the creating force, they did not dance that last autumn dance, like the leaves, right before they get stamped on.

No Other Agenda

I think that new-born babies, when they are 2-3 months (and probably for some time), give the most sincere smiles, when they do so, they really mean it; and when they cry - they also really mean it.

Relationship

How important it is to have a good foundation in a relationship.
So the father and the son have it based on a burp. One needs it almost every hour, the other can help with it.
Friends?
Friends!

Small City

I miss the simplicity of a small city.

Family

It is a place where they accept and forgive you, no matter what. You are always welcome there.

P.S. I miss my family.

My Baby

Today I let the sun kiss you on your cheek.
You are our favorite.

I am looking forward to...

Eating chocolates, reading one of the books my sister brought for me, to a good night sleep, and to my baby's smile.

MY FLOWERS

Birthday

My birthday wish this year - to get some nice good sleep.

Responsibilities

Each member of our family received its own strictly defined responsibilities: dad - takes burping walks, grandmother - gives morning baths, mom - feeds.
The whole family is busy.

Our Collection

We did our job of drinking apple juice well, and this is the collection of free containers that we got with each juice pack we bought. I think I finished all juices in Bangalore that had this offer!

Unfolding the Rosebud

It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.

The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
God opens this flower so sweetly,
In my hands it will fade and die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I think I have wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?

So I'll trust in Him for His leading
Each moment of every day.
I will look to him for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way.

The pathway that lies before me,
Only my Heavenly Father knows.
I'll trust Him to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose.

- Helen Steiner Rice

Latest Accomplishment

If someone would ask what is my latest accomplishment I would answer that it is cutting my toe nails over my 37 centimeters tummy.

Rescue

When the stretching and kicking become unbearable - snickers and lemon tart help!

My Luxury

It is a luxury to have four pillows in my bed and to use them all at the same time!
Better nights.

Not Worth It

And yet some foods are not worth of my heartburn.

P.S. I was disappointed with Richies biryany

The Whole Of The Universe

My tummy became the whole of the universe for me, after my husband.

The Boys

The boys ate all the cookies!

Thats How Snowy It Was. In Bangalore.

They Look Good On The Picture

Russian chappatis...

Away

Its been a week now that I am away from vegetable sales man, cockroaches, ants, lizards and neighboring dogs.
It feels a little bit lonely.

Silly Wish

I wish I could charge mosquitoes and cockroaches monthly rent.
They are impudent and that is what I don't like about them.

The Hole In The Wall

Well, I don't know, but it looks like I will get a hole on my head very soon if the construction will be going on with the same intensity. I think along with dogs on the streets all over the place, construction is another trend here in Bangalore. It does not matter what hole on a wall you have, they will bang it for a few days and you will get a place that you can rent out soon.
I need a break.

Me And A Football

Lately I feel like a football, being blown and stretched and kicked.

In the Green

Hunting

Old houses. Old kitchens. Streets with barking dogs. Lots of money.
New houses. Clean kitchens. Streets with the trees. Even more of money.
The hunt goes on.

Creation

Exra-Large

We are growing from medium to large and extra-large size.

The Beauty In The Dark

Have you ever tried to beautify yourself while the electricity was off? Well, it's not a good idea. You will be better off relying on your nature given look, lest others be scared and scattered.

Several days ago my husband and I were invited for a dinner, and the lights in the house had to go off the time we were getting ready; holding a candle in one hand, and an eye pencil in the other, near the mirror is a poor idea - I almost burnt my hair and pocked the eye.

Though they say that beauty demands sacrifice, it might be wiser to let others beautify the evening and yourself enjoy the dinner and the wind's play with hair.

No Way To Escape

It seems that dogs on Indian streets are almost like a superstition, a token of a good luck, they find dwelling place at any other corner, near a house gate, on a construction site.

During the hour of the day they rest in the shadow of a tree or under a parked car, and through the deep of the night, united into gangs of seven and eight, they roam the streets, disturbing innocent sleepers.

There is no way to escape them.

My New Disabilities

Every week I discover something new.
Now I can't put a sock on my left foot. Somehow it just does not happen, my leg does not bend, or my tummy is right on the way.

My Friend Kezia when in Kansas City

They Need No Reason

Neither the auto drivers nor the dogs need a reason.
The first honks, the other barks.
Noisy days and sleepless nights.

Assimilation

It is funny but I started volunteerly to put green chilies in my cooking.

Pregnancy

Super sensitive hearing.

Secret

When the food starts falling on the tummy and leaves the stains, the secret is no longer a secret.
The baby is growing!

And Her Little Toy

Funny Math

1+1=3!

Hardest Thing Lately?

Eating cereal for breakfast. Any cereal, cold or hot.

Autumn

We have autumn here, a very beautiful season with the trees changing colors.

The season of our lives also changes, to brighter colors.

It promises to be different, to be busier, to be funner...

Looking forward to it.

The Days

I feel sick of eating so much food and yet I am almost always hungry.
And brushing teeth in the mornings can be quiet a disturbing process.

My days.

Book Eaters

Some mysterious creatures eat my books that are on the bookshelf.
I think they do it in the dark of the night.
Any remedy for that?

Not as Relaxing Yet

When I drive the scooter on the streets it is not as yet relaxing for my husband, since time to time he has to balance me and the scooter from rushing into a tree or some gate, but we soon will get there and I will drive safe.
Untill then - stay out of my way, dogs!

P.S. There are a lot of dogs on the streets and I think they trust drivers too much :)

On Your Behalf

Their voices became even softer
because I kept silent with the song on Their behalf;
Their destinies became fragile
because I stopped cherishing Hope on Their behalf.

But You, Oh prisoned souls,
not of Your own desiring,
not of Your own will -
not need to be cast down!

For even when the voice which had to stand on Your behalf failed You -
Your great deliverance is on His way,
Swipping on His path
the reigns of injustice,
breaking the crippling bondage,
restoring the broken-hearted and healing the abused.

Need not to be cast down...
Your deliverance is on His way, You aren't forgotten,

You aren't abundoned!

Sails

When we just started our sailing voyage, our moods were merry with the winds blowing our way; and then somewhere half way the waters became too deep and our lips chapped and hurt from salty winds, we forgot that wild dream that brought us this far and our boat started to sink...

I love them both

Princess in a Castle

I feel like a princess in a castle. My prince fights for me, every other day.
One day he protects me from a rat, another - he killed a little snake that invaded my kitchen.

And I feel like a princess.

WhatEver

First I put sneakers bar in a fridge, and when I wanted to eat it I put in the microwave and I saw it explode!
Whatever...

Through the Phone

I call her regularly, every month, the distance between us is the whole range of high mountains and several hours of flight crossing at least two international borders.

She sucks on her phone and snuffles. But does not say a word.

In my mind I see her smile and two little dimples appear on her chubby cheecks.

I, on the other hand, devote at least one minute on "Aguuu...and gheee..." and all that baby language, that apparently makes her smile on the other side of our connections, and I tell her that I love her and miss her.

Thats how we stay connected. My nine months old niece and me.

The Battle

The battle is scheduled for Monday; every pot, every chair, every dark corner will be overturned and scrutinized.

Jerry's little brother (little grey mouse) seems to want to avenge his brother: he jumped and left toe prints on my lemon tart, pooped on my bananas and overturned plastic bottle.

The battle is on!

P.S. little Jerry flew into the neighbor's garden unconscious.

Some Days

Yes, some days I am reminded that I am white and that I am a foreigner. It happens, especially when I have to buy groceries on the street.

I guess, after all, they are right, foreigners have some extra rupees to pay double for their tomatoes and cucumbers, if they are able to afford visas and tickets for travelling.

But hey, it is not that bad to be a foreigner!

Humility

- Babe, you want a big or a small tart?
- Two small chocolate, please. Thank you!

Delicacy, Yuan, Peking...

When you ask for less spicy chicken, garlic rice or chicken wings keep it in mind that it will also be saltless, tastless, sometimes uncooked or with less soya souce.
And it does not help no matter how many times you remind that you want only less green chilies and no red chily oil.
Apparently, all these foods have never been prepared without chilies, and somehow chily is associated with salt and other taste making ingredients.

Shush...little People are Sleeping

It seems all the little people in his head are sleeping, so should talk very softly early mornings.

I like Indian Grandmothers

Kitchen Mystery

We eat two-three times a day but somehow dishwashing comes up to five times a day, at least!

...and he will be back then

He asked me to count till seven million and then he will be back by then.

I got stuck in numbers; I have never been good in maths.

Still waiting for you...

Tom and Jerry

Now it makes perfect sense why few times we had strange cat invade our house!
This afternoon I saw little Jerry running and jumping in the kitchen!

Our zoo is growing! Welcome Jerry!

P.S. soon I will become a professional killer.

In My Happiness

I was so happy that our new washing mashine was arriving that I ran down the stairs into the house; I saw a washed, tasty, beautiful mango on the table and I said to it, "Come here!"
Mango did not reply.
While singing I took it in my hands and diligently ate it.
Sad for mangoes, they cannot protest. But I am so glad the washing mashine is arriving at last!

At The End

If a husband does not love his wife, if a wife does not respect and honour her husband, if children don’t obey their parents and if parents don’t care and don’t hear their children…it then does not matter what we pretend to be in the eyes of others. We failed in our own families, in our own homes.

Remote Control

Well, some people have their shoes chewed by their dog, some have their shoes peed in by cat...

and me...I have a TV remote control where cockroach eaten the buttons.

Talking About Lost

I think in Hollywood they are running out of ideas as we step right on their back with watching the serials.

Nice Part About Dreams

What I like about dreams, outside that some of them are crazy at times and other times disturb the sleep, I like that they can be very vivid and tangible, that they seem to be colouful, even if they say dreams are not. I like that in my dreams I can be with my family, even as they are thousand miles away. And sometimes I wish I could see dream's continuations. But it does not work that way and instead of seeing my family I end up being LOST on the island in the jungles.

Food That Didn't walk Into Our Stomachs

- I think this meal is spoiled. You can't really smell it, because of all the spices the smell is hidden.

- They say that in the old age a person's sense of smell becomes dumb.

- It is not dumb, baby, it's numb.

- Oh, okay, then numb it is. But whatever it is, the meal is spoiled anyway.

After The Mango Walk

On Mango Walk

Our Mango Walk

My Birthday Flowers

On That Day

...and on that day I was born, and all of my family were joyful, especially my sister, since now she had a blue eye doll to roll on a stroller along the streets and many of her girl friends were jealous and they ran home and asked their parents for the babies. That is how the rest of the neighborhood was filled with babies after my birth, in nine to twelve months and I always had friends to play with.

...hmm...lovely day...

Tendency

People have this tendency to count and remember when they were hurt, but it occures very rerely that I myself could have hurt someone and in need of their pardon, that I must give them a chance to speak for themselves and let them share their hurt, because it is ALL not about ME ALONE.

Police Inspector

Some days my ears swell because of all the honking on the roads of our city.

If I were a police inspector in the traffic department, at the end of each month I would deliver honking bills to people's homes, like there are bills for electricity and water bills monthly.

So I am looking for the ways to measure honking, so I can fix it for the billing that is.

My Juice, Straw And The Music

Some days I actually like when the loud music plays in a cafe, because then no one notices how loud I am while I suck dry few last juice drops from the bottom of a glass.
Bad manners?
What to do...I like juices!

From Now On

My husband said, "From now on I will only speak in Russian to you."

And since that day he became very quiet.

Dream Pillow

In the evening he said, "But when push comes to shove, I will give it away."

And actually he did. We even did not get to the "push" part of it. My head rested on his dream pillow for the rest of the night.

But I could not sleep till early morning.

Lesson: Don't take other's dream pillow.

Mystery: How could he sleep on my pillow?!

White flip-flopps

Best footwear for the wedding; it saves from blisters and helps to relax through the several hours during your wedding day.

One Of The Two

I don't know whether I have become more courageous or more desperate, one of the two, but I smash cockroaches with my bare fists, with no regrets.

Any other techniques?

Our Trip To Kerala

It was beautiful. Peaceful. Restful.

A little bit disturbing. Because of the leeches.

And it rained. Short but lots.

You being there was the best part of the trip.

On Our Way

It Rained

Window view

In The Evening