If I Ever Could I Would

I fell in love with this world - its brilliant and vibrant sounds, resounding in the life around, so vivid, so colorful, so precise and yet full of mystery, filled with surprises, at times predictable and yet with unforeseen turns, that can break my heart, make the head spin, loose my breath...

If I ever had a chance again to go back to the many instances of moments lost in my indecisiveness, if I ever could redeem the opportunities I deemed far of my reach, if I could ever get a chance to once again walk in that field - then I would- walk as if it was the sacred soil, would fill my lungs with the air of that moment and I would soak up the every little bit of sound that surrounded me that beautiful summer evening, right before the sun kissed the sky its last goodbye for the night, spilling its red and orange and purple over the green hills.

If I ever could I would, talk over that last conversation that we had unfinished; not because I want to prove that I had a point and it was best, but because you matter to me;

If I ever could I would...

Loss

We lost so much when we could have had it all.

YOU HAVE GOT MAIL

There are few memories that make me feel butterflies in my stomach - a postman and letter mail era memories are one of it.

I remember the lady but not her name, who carried newspapers, journals and letters for us. I remember her huge brown leather bag hanging over her neck down the shoulder. Some days she came by the bicycle. Sometimes our neighborhood dogs chased her and other times they did not bother.

I ran to her each time it was around the time to bring "Murzilka" for me. It first was published in May 1924 and Soviet children around the Soviet Union could enjoy its illustrations, stories and poems. I loved to read the stories about nature and cultural practices of other regions. I also enjoyed the puzzles and other entertaining tasks."Kolokolchik" was also one of my favorites. Later when I was a little older I educated myself on "Sem'a" magazine and laughed at "Krokodil".

I loved to receive letters from my extended family in Belarus, cards for the New Year, the 8th of March, the 1st and 9th of May ,and the 7th of November and the 23rd of February. I liked to collect the postcards and in summer with my friends we sat on the grass and looked at each other's collection, sometimes we exchanged it.

I also was very expectant to hear from my brother who was in the soviet army in Hungary and managed to send me chewing gums along with the letter! Sometimes we had only the letter inside with the smell of the chewing gum - someone on the way -in the post office- took the gum. That was a tragedy for me!

I loved to take a 30 minute walk with my mom to the post office, in the snow with the slide, to pick up the parcel from my aunt and uncle and cousins. They would send us dried blueberries and dry pork and few Belorussian dresses for me. I still can remember the smell of the parcel on my dress. I loved it!

I remember one summer when I went to a pioneer camp for three weeks six hours away from home, and I received at least two letters from my mom saying that she missed me a lot and hoped that I had a good time and updating me on the neighborhood kids. I cried as I read and kept the letters for the longest time.

I also remember that when I grew a little older and was around 9 or 10 years old I had a correspondence with a girl whom I met in Issyk -kol resort. She lived in Bishkek, the same city, but those days we did not have a phone and so we wrote to each other and it was also special. Near our house we had a big blue postbox, where our boys through the rocks and stick too and I felt so bad! I even had a fight once, trying to protect the safety of the letters.

My mom also was a post-woman. I heard some of her stories. It was not an easy job and one had to walk for many kilometers. One day mom told, another post-woman was discovered to dump the letters into the canal because she was too tired to carry the huge bag. So not everyone got their letters.

I feel nostalgic of the post-man era. These days communication is so much faster, so much easier and so much casual that sometimes one does not bother to open the letters because there are just too many to read.

Do you think we still have the hearty letters these days? And what are your memories of the post-man era?

YOU

You satisfy me.
Let us take day at a time.

I think I started to get to know you better.
You opened up your world to me.

I do not feel lonely because your presence fills me in.
You make me laugh, the important part of my day.

I love you.

I so miss you, Dad.

20 years.....

I still remember it so well the day I felt very lonely knowing you wont be there for the tomorrow and the rest of my life.

Many times through these years I thought of you. I wondered how it would be and what you would say when you knew I graduated from the university, went to CO and other places, got married and gave birth to my son, I think you would like my husband and would spoil my son. Many times I thought you would smile and would be proud of me.

Even though some of my memories are fading away, I still remember the warmth of the relationship and love we shared.

I so miss you, Dad.

Character, Tastes and Colors

I am convinced that Indian exquisite garment -sari- is not for me, such a foreigner. It proves that one has to possess a patient, non-resisting character, which the Indian garment requires for its care. It is a piece of cake to wash it, but it is tricky to dry it on a line (unless one just drops it down from a wall to hang) and it certainly time consuming to iron it. I love watching Indian women wearing this fine piece of clothe, but for now, I personally reserve to wearing pants and shirts, and western style dresses.

On the wings of the wind

I could feel the wind catch my heart cry and carry it away, as if towards God. I stood there, under the old weeping-willow, and sensed I was not alone any longer.

The rain drops fell on the ground and I had to run off, but with my heart expectant this time.

Indulging

Eating plenty of water melons and strawberries is not a sin.

I miss you two

Even today as I think about both of you, a sad sigh comes out from the depth of my heart.

May PEACE rest on your mountains, Kyrgyzstan! May the joy flood in the valley! May God keep you, my land!

Life is good when there are no power cuts.

titles

My husband calls me a grandma when I start 'micro-managing'.

Sweets

Even Raffaello cannot compare with the lovingly tender touch of a mother.

Celebrate

The orange fire ball of sun is rolling behind the cloud curtain and I love the smell of the purple chrysanthemum in my kitchen! It is a good day today!

It is the Spring, the Life, the holiday itself.

Happy Women's Day ladies!

Leave it

Let's keep it as it is. Now.

Like the river that froze under the layer of ice, let us leave all that we had and built through the years, in trust.

Let us not make things what they have not been, no need to colour leafs once they have fallen.

Let me keep the memory of those good old days, where it all was simple and true.

Let us not give life to words that might hurt of things that no longer matter, we each have our way to go, our life to live.

Nothing will take away thankfulness for the things that you have given, for the things you have taught, for the time you have invested, for the faith you had and shared, for the kindness you showed, for the patience ...

I don't hold you or anything against you. You are free. I know you are in good hands and it makes me happy.