I Missed You

I woke up in the morning with a deep feeling of missing you. Because the distance of eight hour sleep and a silly dream kept us apart for the night. And now I am in your arms and again in your presence.

He Didn't Withhold His Best

For me. For you. For many others. Lots of others.
For people in this world.
Merry Christmas!

It Is That Magic

I wonder what kind of magic these little babies have to make grown-ups fall in love with them. It is hard to resist a smile in their presence, even if the whole day went wrong; it is all the more harder not to have kindness or at list sympathy move the heart when they cry, even if it is for the most little reason and it is almost impossible not to be in admiration of the new things they learn, be it their realization that the finger she just bit is her own or a funny reaction to her own reflection in the mirror.

And when babies grow into children the fun continues: they dream of ladder that can reach heaven or they want a dog instead of brother or sister, they like noodles in their tea and they are not bothered by the minus temperature when playing in snow for hours.

Children are a gift from God and our lives without them would not be as memorable, reflective and fun.

It Is Tea Time
by Corny

The Promise

Higher

Horses in The Mountains of Kyrgyzstan

Quiet. Guwhati

Sunset in Guwhati. India

India in Colours. Kerala

In Four Days I Will See You

Somehow husbands are stronger than some of the wives and they do not cry when they leave for a short trip.
This morning I cried. It is a tender morning to say goodbye for the trip for the first time.
And as you leave, I trust that our good God is with you.

My Extra-Abilities

I can eat six bananas and two Sneakers bars at one setting.

I can bathe in five minutes. If I want.

I can wash dishes without complaining.

My mom, when she birthed me, did not know that I would be able to know what a dog on a street might think, or what a fly that fell in a hot boiling tea might think, or what a man on a bike might think after his tyre goes flat.

Lately my husband is discovering this extra ability of mine.

My Favorite Sounds

Sms melody when I receive a message from my husband.
Plopping waves at the shores of a high mountain lake.
Soft snow flakes fall at midnight.
Last drops of rain rolling down the roof and hitting the ground.
Love's heart beat.
Babies' yawning.

Suprises

I don't like suprises. Especially the kind when lizard falls in my bed.

Cramped

It is hard to speak one's heart in two-given minutes.

So if one's heart means to you - never give two minutes.

Corner House

A friend of mine said I was unfaithful: I ate fig honey ice-cream instead of usual black currant.

He will be dissapointed to know that I plan to have chocolate mint, coffee and fudge ice-creams next times I am treated to Corner House.

I guess sometimes we dissapoint our friends.

Fight In The Morning

I hate fights, and especially in the early mornings. But this morning just as soon as my husband left out of the door ...

I had a fight!

With a huge cockroach.

A hard battle. But I won! leaving the bad guy dead behind the music system.

Don't mess with a "left -alone -wife". All defense is up!

P.S. and the defense weapon was a pink tooth brush. The one that they give on Turkish Air.

P.P.S. It was a defense, ok? The bad guy really planned to attack me! At least "he" succeeded in startling me as "he" was crawling on the speaker and slipped from the top. Then "his" wicked plan was exposed.

December

It is confusing - December without snow!

Bike Rides, Helmet and My Glasses

I think I should better acquire a helmet of my own, lest my Polaroid glasses break and my forehead gets bruised as I keep bumping on the helmet infront of me while I sit behind the driver on our everyday rides.

Vocabulary

I thought my vocabulary was improving,

when one day he says, "and it is not "muffin" on the bike, the steel exhaust system, but "muffler" and we wear "helmets" and not "hamlets" when we drive our bikes."

So I guess I better not brag and better keep learning...

Of Self

These days I am too much of myself: self seeking desires, self defending justifications, self satisfying conclusions and self centered needs.

It became too crowded and no space for the other.

Movies And Food

Eating spicy food is like watching loud movies. Both can be frastrating.

My Father

No no, don't try to fool me; I know who is my father and I know that when I ask some bread from him, he will not give me a piece of rock.
My Father!

Dreams

Not all of our dreams come true. And thats ok.

Sometimes we even have to grow out of our dreams and some dreams we should let go of.

But the coolest one is, when God plants His dreams in our hearts and He expands the horisons of our vision. It is a special thing when God counts us trustworthy and it is a privilege to be a part of His restoring, life-giving and purpose-driven dreaming. I want to let God dream more through me, through my hands, through my feet, through my thoughts and through my words.

I want to hold on to these dreams and see them come to pass.

Going Out

I was not angry with fried chicken, I rather was furious with chili powder.
But I had a wonderful afternoon. No chili powder could spoil it.

Shoulders

And yet sometimes our shoulders and our back seem to be stronger when we carry other's burdens.

And other times, when we face our own challenges, it becomes too heavy, almost like giving up.

But thanks to those who do not mind to offer shoulders and who are not afraid that their back might hurt.

"Two are better then a one, cause we all fall when we try to run." ~ Out of Grey

Hearts

Some hearts are so immense that it is hard to embrace them all.
But it is these hearts that make the difference.

It's Not a Chocolate That Makes My Day

To Desire More ...

Because there is more to life then just self-centered interests.

Passionate Love

Two Wells

We can choose to be a bottomless well of deep joy, comfort, love, virtue, forgiveness, and kindness or

we can choose the bottom of well with rusting anger, stinky pride, screeming pain, dissatisfied complaint and killing hate.

But we can choose.

Undivided Love Is ...

leaving behind all the lovers of the past and everything that used to tickle one's heart;

diving into each other and discovering something new and lovely each new day;

Ultimately, giving self fully with no secrets, no doubts, no accusations.

Here She Comes ...

And now, after all this time she finally comes ... unveiled at last ... and the speculations, good intensions, curiosity, wishes, fears, deliberations and suggestions of the crowd clear out... it all dissolves.

He made his choice and she is the one right for him. She is with the character that will sharpen his edge, together they can walk long miles, she has tranquility about her that comforts brokeness and weathers the calamity of the outside. Wisdom and long waiting are at her posessions.

But the beauty of the summer flower withers with the autumn cold.

The steadfast heart set for the purpose will stand the strong winds and harsh seasons.

Talking Of Boundaries

I guess, after all, I am liquidy, that's is why it is not easy to unearth my boundaries.

But it does not mean I am boundless.

The boundary lines lay on one side as far as the gift of forgiveness was extended through the cross to me. Another line falls there where acceptance fell about 2000 years ago. Yet another line stretches to the hights of reconciliation walls and to the depth of the love that was poured on me.

There is work on the other lines - I want to extend them towards the frontiers of selflessness, charity, hopefulness and exra-walking mile.

In all of this - I am free, I am not limited, I am stretched but I am not tamed.

Faith

Faith is like radar which sees through the fog—the reality of things at a distance that the human eye cannot see.

~ Corrie Ten Boom

On The Streets

Actually when I know what they sell on the street pushing their carts, then I can be patient and understanding.

For MDad

This early morning I thought of you.

I don't remember that you ever used about yourself that something was "unfair" or "irritating".

I really miss you.

It Is Not A Myth

I keep going again and again to buy a chocolate for my husband to keep it in the fridge for him, in case he has a sweet tooth. But when this moment comes, there is no chocolate available!

I told him we have a mouse in the house but he refuses to believe me. He only smiles.

That's why I have to go to the store again and again. And I don't know what to do with the mouse. It is really bad and she really likes chocolates!

ALTHOUGH the threads of my life have often seemed knotted, I know, by faith, that on the other side of the embroidery there is a crown.

~ Corrie ten Boom, My Heart Sings

PEOPLE DO NOT drift toward holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord. We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance; we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated.

~ D. A. Carson, For the Love of God

Russian Dosa?

Since the whole country celebrates deepavali all the ladies in the family decided to make a little trip to Chennai for three days and so I stayed at home with three men and a dog.

First of all, I was late this morning but the boys waited patiently for their dosas with tea and coffee.

After one hour in the kitchen I proudly came into the room where my husband was sitting and presented him ... a plate of six golden brown dosas!

He sincerely said, "Oh, wow!!" and sweetly smiled at me. I felt good for that moment.

After all the happy and proud feelings calmed down I returned to the kitchen and quietly looked at the other plate ... with twelve other dosas funnily shaped, ripped and half-cooked.

I felt thankful that "dosa making" is not the defining point of womanhood. There is much more to it.

And I felt thankful for the men in the house who were gracious to me and to my "russian dosas".

And we are looking forward to mom's return from the trip.

Happy holidays!

On The Front Lines

I promised my husband a meal by 2:30 pm. I am glad I did so, just in case something goes wrong. As though I felt the kitchen will have a disaster.

I was near the oven keeping the frying pan on the fire. What was my suprise when I opened the lid and saw that the mustard seed and the garlic ginger paste were gone with few seeds left! All the rest stuck to the lid from the oil heat!

So I had to start cooking all over after I washed the pan.

One more lunch we lived through. It was 2:35.

Life's Journey

Persevere through life. Walk through the death. And into the promises of God. Only through Jesus.

KFC

Today I ate my husband's shoes.

Broken Cups

I am learning that it is ok when tea cups break.
Already I broke three of them.
But we can always buy new ones.

It is more painfull when hearts and lives break.
People should be my concern, not cups.

Love

Love never gets tired, it bears all, endures all things and ... it never fails.

~ The Holy Bible

Relation

How connected, so closely connected we are that any word you say affects me in an either way, for good or for bad; and any act I do may or may not help you to walk your destiny with lesser wounds and more songs in your heart.

Situations

Sometimes situations around us are so bad that only our attitude and the stands of our heart in the light of God's truth can make the difference.
We need a breakthrough.

The Places We Take Ourselves

We often take ourselves to places that neither reveal the true nature of our hearts, that are created for the most beautiful purposes, nor reflect our relationship to the heavenly Father, who lovingly keeps watching over us and who is waiting when we call out His name.

God please help us find the way out of darkness.

This Kind of Love

"Jesus spent over three decades wading through the muck and mire of our sin yet still saw enough beauty in us to die for our mistakes."

- Max Lucado

Mistake

One of the big mistakes people can make is to treat others as a "mistake".

I thought the man looked very cool ... in a hot-hot Delhi

And a glass of milk...

And it cannot be without the beauty in the middle!

Shopping

It takes me at least five minutes to look through the shelves with spices and many other different colourful packets with secrets for delicious cooking.

It takes me at least ten minutes to re-orient myself at Nilgiris and direct myself to the shelf that I need, while entertained sales-persons watch me, lost, darting in and out of the rows packed with goods. These ladies almost weekly re-arrange items placing them at different coners and shelves.

But I will be a great shopper one day!

Not Know Yet

She doesn't know yet what wind is, but she can feel it on her face and gently running through her little fingers. She smiles at it. I think she even tried to catch it with her mouth and taste it on the tip of her tongue. She likes life and she does not think that long naps are of importance when there is so much new around! And she is just four month old. That is my little friend.

"For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost?"

- Jesus of Nasareth

With You

I like going to the book stores with you. And I like the books we get.

I don't want

I don't want to learn pretence.

Cemetery

Today I was at the cemetery and I saw living among the dead.

At Nilgiris

The security man felt insecure when we entered the store.
So he followed us.

Have to Say

I always have to say something, cannot just let it go.

In The Mean Time

Hold on to God's faithfulness.

Smile

She might be too small but she knows smiling.

Food

I did not really realize untill recent that food matters to me that much. I always could eat almost anything as long as I was not hungry. I did not really care as long as it was warm, with some salt and with some tomatoes along on the side. Until recently couple of afternoons I was in a prickly mood. When I thought of the reason I recognised that I was craving for the food that I liked and was used to.

I want to be saved of this misery (prickly mood) and be able to just eat so that I can live, and not let the food make my day.

Thank You !

You are the best egg omlette maker! Thank you!

Mean

They did not know that already in the age of six and seven they were so mean and cruel. They called ugly mean names that would cripple one's life for many years, inplanting low self-esteem and self discontent. And it would take years and lots of love, if found, to grow in confidence of self and to walk in the fullness of character.

She

Can't escape, should only walk through it with patience, willingness and perseverance .

Reminder

I like to be reminded of the good things of the past. It helps me in the present and encourages to look forward to the future.

Both Have Chances

"The rights and the freedom of one individual end where the freedom and the rights of another individual start."
R.K.

The Mosaic of Life

I met this little girl several times on the court later in the evenings. The first day she stood behind the metal fense, curiously watching me. I could not hold the smile, she smiled in return. Next time she sat beside me. We could not have a conversation because we did not know each other's language.

Two weeks later she ran to meet me, again on the same place. She was all smile. Her hair was completely shaved, which made her beautiful dark eyes even bigger. She quietly sat near me. I reached out and gave her something, I think it was a silly chewing gum, the only thing I had. She accepted it and smiled.
We quietly watched the game on the court. Occasionally I looked at my little companion and she would grant me with a sincere smile.

When the game was over one of the boys translated for me that the girl's father passed away and that is why her head was shaved, according to the tradition.

I thought of life's mosaic. It is like a patchwork quilt - joy and sorrow at the border, just a thin thread separates, stitching it all together into one piece that constitutes one's unique life-destiny.

Girl's smile in the midst of loss that late evening allowed me to see one patchwork quilt. It was beautiful.

Familiarity

I am looking for familiarity in people, in food, in surrounding.
I do not always find it.
Only the wind was blowing the way it would before, but the sound was different - it was a coconut tree that it was playing with this time.
Let the wind blow.

Baby Work

She does a very good job in being a baby. She smiles and giggles, frowns and burps. She eats and sleeps and makes bubbles. She smells like milk and wets her dipers. She brings smiles to the faces of many others. She is an exemplary baby.

To Differ

She screemed because she was in pain.
He screemed because he thought he was the boss of the situation.

Boys

They have to kick their feet higher than their heads. That’s when they play the football.

Our Luxury

“We have the luxury of thinking, they don’t” – he said.

In This World

It is cold and dark without hope and without God in the world.
But through the grey clouds of it all, He reaches out to us, blessing our hearts and holding us in His grace and mercy, bathing us in His love.
I do not need a greater offer. There is none. I am satisfied.

Who Is Able To Hear

Oh God, who is rich in mercy, hear my heart this morning.

This Morning

One hour more. Don't want to miss it. Flesh is lazy. God is full of mercy.

Never Will I

I still cant get used to saying good-bye's after all the times I had.
And never I will.

Breakfasts

I decided not to freak out in the mornings when I am out of the breakfast ideas.
I decided to prepare what I can with much love and hopefully will learn many new things and secrets in the kitchen kingdom with each passing month.

For The Miles To Walk

God bless them for the miles that they have to walk together.

Itchy bedbugs

They dare to bother us. Still.

Broken Plates

One day they are new. Next day they serve full and tasty. Another day they are broken or chipped. Sometimes they are used; sometimes they are thrown away.

God will use any vessel, any pot, any plate, and any cup that wants to be used and wants to serve.

Not In One Day

It takes a lifetime, desire, commitment and grace of God.
To be a good wife.

Skin

Learning that he actually does not like milk cream layer in his coffee. Such things take time to know.

Keep it quiet

Actually it is not easy to keep my tongue quiet. But it will be wiser.

Interruptions

They happen. They are inevitable part of life.

Silence

Silence can speak. Of many things. Of deep things.
If I know how to hear.

Rains

It rains sometimes in the mornings, sometimes in the afternoons and in the evenings other days.
I get wet on Mondays, dry on Wednesdays. Fridays I stay at home.

Tea

One cup. Two cups. Blue cups. Sweet cups.
I drink Indian tea with some milk in the afternoons, as a new tradition.
And I drink a big cup of tea in the morning – as my own old tradition.

Hands

Why ever so often do my hands cling to things that are old and dead?

Wake From My Dream

Wake me up from the dream,
Cover me with the blanket.

Hold me tight in your arms,
Carry me close to your heart.

All confusion and fear – they will disappear.
It’s your love that protects me.

I am fine. I am well. I am safe.

Am I happy?

Someone said that there are three essentials of happiness, they are: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for. As I reflect on this thought, it seems this is basically it, but the reality of God makes the whole difference, because in His wisdom man does not have to do just a-n-y-t-h-i -n-g and then disappear from the face of the earth, but man has something to do that lays yet another brick in God’s Kingdom that is eternal - be it a faithful prayer on behalf of those who are bound by the sin and captured by the deception of the one-day-glory or offering a prayer of worship and praise, which releases the power of God to manifest His might and love among the living. Among the “something-to-do” there is everyday work in forgiving, understanding, speaking the truth, accepting, counseling, ministering healing, listening to, discipling and feeding those who are around us. In living the legacy of “something to do” for us God wants us to remember who He is and who we are in His eyes and He wants us to remind others of these things.
Another essential of happiness is to have someone to love. To be able to do so I have to come back to the reality of God. It is God who is love and it is He who enables me to love. It is not just having someone to love; it is having the love relationship that is healthy, not manipulative, not selfish or demanding. Would you agree that love lives when there is a living source for it? Love is giving. I believe it was Mother Theresa who said, “Give until it hurts” meaning that it is that sacrificial. But it is not the end, for if we give to the point of hurt we can reach our deadly point and that is why we need the living source. For love is not only giving, but it is also receiving. And so we run to Jesus whom we have as the Lover of our souls, and out of the love that He pours upon and into us, we are able to love and to give, whether it be to our husband or wife, children or parents, friends and even our enemies.
And finally, the third essential of happiness is to have something to hope for. There are many things we hope for – some hope for a better job, others hope that the relationship with the dear person will last, one hopes that everything will go well with the aging parent who is in the hospital, another hopes to pass the exam and there are many other things we hope for. Thankfully some of our hopes come to pass, and sadly, others do not. And yet in the gladness of some of these hopes that come to pass and in the disappointment of the hopes that did not come to pass I have to come to the reality of God. And the reality of God is that He is our hope and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God (Rom 5:2-5) and even more, we rejoice in the sufferings. Our joy in the hope of the glory of God is our strength, for when His glory is revealed completely and His sovereign plan of redemption is accomplished we, having hope and confidence in the blood of Jesus, will be able to gaze upon His beauty and we will not then be dragged or condemned by our sin, standing in His presence healed from the wounds that we ourselves or others afflicted on us, having our tears wiped dry; and then we will be whom God created us to be and He will be our God in His full glory. And this hope that is offered to us is as an anchor for our soul, firm and secure (Hebrews 6: 18-19), no matter how hard the waves beat.
I hope you find the path to happiness.

Family

It is particularly on the birthdays that I am away that I miss the closeness of the family.

I feel thankful I have my family with me this time. I did not have to wake up to lonelyness.

Thank you for the morning flowers and the kiss.

It Happens This Way Too

Just bumped into each other on the street one day.
I guess it happens.
You tell the story!

Candle

When it becomes dark I will start with the candle light. It is true. There is so much to be thankful for. Thank you for letting me see it.

Release

She released her grip and noticed that though it was scary at times, this way was unfolding the life she was purposed for.

The Cup too Full to Drink

Would you ask the father to take away the cup if it was too much to drink?

Well, Jesus drank it till the last drop, even as his side was pierced and he was bleeding all over.
Because he delighted in his father's will.

Later On

She pushed him hard only later to realise that he has been the only interested person who did not shy away to tell her the truth and who accepted her the way she is.

Gaze

Even your gaze touches my heart.

The Words

His words brought healing to her wounded heart. Though the scars left marks she has a new beginning because the past was not simply left behind and "forgotten" but it was dealt with and cried over.

She can strive because she is alive.

Holding His Hand

She never fell when she held his hand.

Cost

It did not cost me a thing because he paid it ALL.
I just want to remember it and pass it to my children.

Enough

He told he loved her. And it was enough for her.

On The Turn

It did not just turn out good. Nothing just turns out good. It does not on its own. It takes some effort but it is worth it all. But mostly it is the loving hand of God who cares.

Without Complain

Once in a month, after several absent from home days, he curried favor with Margie presenting her with a preposterous rose bouquet in front of all their friends.

She would get lost in words and her lips whisper, “Thank you!” as light red color appeared on her cheeks.

Late at nights, when no one could hear or see her, Margie walked on the terrace enjoying the night sky full of stars and the wind would dry out her doleful tears.

She never complained. Even once. But sometimes she felt very lonely, even though her daily responsibilities were a little more than the average housewife’s.

What made her stand out was that she loved her husband. She shared joy of his victories and she carried the pain of his failures. Again, she never complained and gave him all the freedom he asked for. And freedom he wanted to have.

He never thought that marriage relationship should bring any changes to his personal interests and activities. She never argued him on this because she respected his freedom.
She was loyal and devoted.

He loved Margie with her submissiveness, gentle spirit and her beautiful smile, which she always gifted him with and this very smile took away all the guilty feeling that sometimes visited him just for a short time.
But he did not know the stories of her childhood and he never knew what was happening on her heart deep nights when she walked on the terrace letting wind wipe her tears.

Don't Have to Get There

Her obtrusive ideas suffocated him; to escape selfishly crowded room he would always leave in silience and walk towards the stable to ride his stallion into the vast meadows strewed with coltsfoots and cornflowers.

His voluntary compliance and patience furthered her selfishness and grew the distance between them.

TRANSITION

These days I am between the ground and the first floors.

Mango Milk

I did not know mango has milk. And I did not know milk has acid.
So I burnt my lips while eating mango!

It Is Not About The Fish

Fried spices and fish,
Rice, sambhar and idly -
Make the family dinner table.

“But it is not about the fish at all!”

It is about the relationship that binds together,
"Shared closeness, care and concern expressed",
Talk and laugh together.

I saw the beautiful moment of expectancy.
You trade the meal with friends to enjoy it with the family.
To catch this moment I wish for a young wife.

My Special Nephew

Today is a day to celebrate your birth. God has been faithful to you, to keep you safe and blessing you with many good things.

I am far away again and will not see your lovely round face, and I will not see your shiny eyes today. But in my heart I pray a prayer for you, my special Andrewshka. I pray that you grow with God’s favor and that you know in your heart that you belong to God.

As you were born I used to take you to our fields and show you the vast riches of our land, you loved the mountains and you fell asleep with the wind whispering you lullaby songs, as it played with the grain and lilac bushes. And even as you grew up to your ninth year, I loved to see you loving God’s creation.

I appreciate your sensitive heart and I pray that as the years grow, your heart is watered with the rain of gentleness and grace, and may your presence on this earth bring peace and understanding into the situations and people’s lives.

Now you go to school, it is your second year. I liked to see how you were learning writing and reading. I know, sometimes it was too much, especially when your mother was impatient at the speed you read and mistakes, but it was my pride to see you trying. You had six “5” in your school bag one day! I am still puzzled how you could carry them home.

Special Andrewshka! Our special boy!

I wish I could scratch your back this morning as you were waking up.
This morning when you woke up, did you count the time and went out to see the gifts?

I heard you are all bruised as you learn to roller-skate! Sweet thing, keep leaning. Remember that there will be times in life when you will fall and scratch and bruise – but always remember to get up and keep on going. And as you get up from the fall – look at what made you stumble and next time you master it.

I am happy we have you and you are a part of our small family.

Happy birthday to you, my beloved knight, little brave heart!

In The Garden When We First Fell

They passed each other in the dark of the night and each turned back in a fear that the other stabs on his back. Cold chills ran through the back.
They are men but even they do not like danger and have no desire to be ambushed.

The fear stayed with men since the day of the fall in the garden.

Not To Be Trashed

The blood slowly but surely drained from him, as he lay helpless at the threshold of his sister’s house, with his open-broken legs and pocked liver. It was one of the saddest and darkest accidents with no investigation of whose wrong it was and no consequences, but one – a lost life.

In counted moments my neighbor died as he had just enough time to ask for forgiveness from his sister for all his shortcomings, which she even had a hard time to remember: he always has been a kind, helpful and generous brother all the years that she remembered him, with few incidents, that with the years she did not count against him.

Three days prior to this devastating accident another neighbor was struck to death on his head. This time it was violent robbery. Man killed another man for a fur hat. This ill-starred hat! Or maybe a heart that opened its doors to greed and jealousy? Whichever, the consequence is - another waisted life.

I became sick from learning the end of my neighbors. I wept for several days. It was just in an instant – and life was gone! No methods, no technology to return them back to life.

I wept for the sorrow and grief that precious life was trashed.
I thought of the One who creates life and wondered how His heart feels when He sees us trash each other’s lives. His heart weeps, for each one, absolutely each one - is precious in His sight.

God, help me to remember that each life is more then just a creation - it is a masterpiece.
Help me to remember that I am a steward not only of my life, but I am to look after the welfare of my brother and sister, the neighbor, who are created in your image.

Streets

Have you ever thought that streets have their own feeling to them? Like when you walk on one street and you feel tranquility, another street – and you are overwhelmed with business, some streets feel safe and other do not. One street I walk and giggle.
There are some streets that I like to walk on. I get off the bus earlier for that reason.

Of course, there is this particular feeling with the streets on which I ran as a kid. Though streets have changed, some became wider, some otherwise, old buildings in contrast with new and I do not see on them the familiar faces – my heart pounds faster, as some of the still familiar sounds and scenery resurrect my childhood memories.

This is the place where I first learnt how to ride my bike. This is a bush near which I fell and wanted to cry, and my sister saw it and told that I was a strong girl who is not suppose to cry, and so as I walked on the street I hold my tears back. Then in five minutes I was running again with my green from medicine knees. On the side of this street is a tree from the top of which I slipped down, scratching to blood both my legs and hands and walking back as a bear, rocking from left to right to get home. But that time I could not hold my tears. Just days after I had to climb that tree again many other times, it was my spying-hiding place. The boys could not find me there. And even that dramatic fall – it did not betray me. I had to quit the game but just for a short time.

Between two other streets I can see couple of trees that have grown up from the little twigs that my mother planted into the ground, which I used to water everyday in summer, into strong branched trees. These days my nephew climbs them as they play with other boys.

I like many other streets, and I return to some of them, if I have a chance.

P.S. I think it is more that just the streets themselves that I like, but what they contain in them – people, houses, smells and trees, and playgrounds and how it all is related to each other.

Regret

Have you ever had a day that you feel you missed it and you regret that it is gone and no way to return? Today was this day. I missed it.

Though I do not want to dwell on the past and hope for redemption -
God, help me to be wise with my time and days.

Preparation

Yeah! My bridegroom is preparing a room for me in his Father's house!

I Do Not Want

No, I do not want the memories to fade away.
Even where the hand-decorated clay pot fell and crashed into a dozen of pieces.
The joy of the first love – yes, this I also want to always remember.

When You Leave

When you leave please hug me.

His Life Is My Joy

You enjoy the life that beats around you: love, family, friends, work and other responsibilities.
You like to be involved.
I like you being.

Thunder In Early June

In my mother’s garden I had two favorite places – the corner with roses and the top of a walnut tree where I liked to climb.

From the top of the tree I had a different perspective on things. I think it helped me – I remember that things are not always what they seem to be. Perspective is crucial.

In early June when I started my summer holidays from school for three months, I spent time in the garden. I climbed to the top of the tree and let the wind swing me. I liked to see how the clouds quickly eclipsed the sky for a short time and the lightning and thunder breaking through. Then big summer rain drops rapidly falling on my face, running down the trunk, and making wet the little grassy path. I liked to see how ants hurriedly ran, but they still followed the path they trod earlier.
I rushed down the tree to the corner with roses. I had to catch that moment when the drops hit the rose petals and they stood gorgeous and flowerily proud. If the rain lasted longer then 5 minutes, the roses that bloomed for several days already would quit and rain pulled down the petals on the ground. Some roses lost the battle. They lay on the ground: still colorful – light pink and dark red. But just for the evening and the following morning and then turned brown under the sun. The sun was bad for the old roses but good for the new buds.
These two favorite places I liked. I ran to the garden, climbed the tree, waited for the rain, and rushed down and to the rose corner.

Facial Expressions

The other day we talked how some of people’s face expressions can be misleading.
One may look like frown but indeed in a deep thought.
The other might be smiling but behind that smile is a hard effort to keep it all under control.
The tears may roll down the cheeks - both from happiness and unspoken pain.

But the eyes – these said to be the mirror. They may reflect the inner man’s thoughts and feelings, or may reflect the one who looks in them!

Frozen Puddles

When I was a kid I always liked to check on every puddle on my way to school.
I liked the crunchy sound under my feet. The frozen puddles in minus 15.
Because my school was far away and I had to go one hour earlier, so it was at 6 am, I was one of the first ones to break the thin layer of ice.

The other day I walked behind a mother and her 5 years old son. He liked the puddles too. Thankfully his mom was near him and she did not let him but a distance of a stretched hand. All the rest of the puddles on the narrow street were mine that day.

I think my nephew inherited it from me. When he goes to visit grandma, he asks his mom to bring his rubber shoes in spring and autumn. Otherwise he is puddle-wet anyway. Don’t blame on him! It is genes.

Amazing Moments

It is amazing for me to see and hear how the little birds persevere through the cold and snow as they have waited through the long winter days for the warmer season. They utter beautiful songs or speech, and even if it is a complaint at the end of February - it is still lovely to my ear.
I wish when I am pressed hard I can let a song come out of me.

Chocking On a Snowflake

Actually it is impossible because it melts as soon as it touches the breath.
But it is possible to choke on a midge and on a callous word.

Mixed Feelings

As I think of leaving the place of my birth -
I think of the people whom I know since I was a child and people who have been a part of my life for the last several years – who shared in joy and in sorrow and who taught me valuable lessons.
There is sadness that tightens my heart because I know that next time I come, I won’t see some of them any more – they will step beyond the visible horizon.
As I think of coming to a new place -
I think of the people whom I will get to know and people who will share their lives with me – who will share their joy and sorrow and who will teach me valuable lessons.
There is great bliss that lightens my heart because I know that it is the next step that I should take in my life.

The Angel Desiring To Smack

There are two people who call me an angel and there is nothing that can persuade them otherwise.

Well, have you seen an angel who wanted to smack someone?

The other day I was crossing the street and right in the middle of the road between the cars on my left and a big van and bus on my right, with all the people crossing the road
I saw this face of a street kid about thirteen. The next thing I remember was a cold wet jet of water flying straight at me through the front teeth of the boy and landing on my face. Good shot!
We passed each other different directions and as I was wiping my face with my scarf it was one of those moments that I wanted to smack someone … this boy with my bag. I decided to cool down and trace the boy days after with my water gun. Lets see, I still have to decide – to get a balloon with water or a water gun.
Saying angel? Hmm…

In Response to Rudyard Kipling’s

He spoke out of the days that passed,

“If you can wait and not be tired of waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat these two imposters just the same;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run …”

I have responded out of the days that are,

“In God’s Almighty hand He holds each day,
“With Him a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day”.
If only I could wait upon His timing and let the people stew in their impatience.

Who said that lie, when being masqueraded, can save the aching heart from biting pain?
For it is truthful word spoken in love that heals the deepest of our hurting wounds.

And, hey, when pulling out hair from your head – how many tensions were resolved by anger?
We pile the burning coals to find out that we set on fire our own belongings!
And nothing can quench the flame.

Many of us self-exalted and self-worshiped, confident smart Alex, will be surprised that
“God catches the wise in their craftiness and knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile.” But, nay, we keep on bathing in our own wisdom and understanding, selling it to others, who perish, thanks to our selfish gain.

While often dreaming of the distant heights we pass by, leaving unnoticed, precious moments: miss the joy over the first step of a baby, ignore the hurt that will leave the mark for the rest of one’s life and let go the sincere confession – dashing out reality and bargaining it for the vanity. And at the decline of our days, when the curtains are pulled down, on the death bed we count our “ifs” and “buts” to try to hold back the time and scream into the darkness, only in vain.

Man’s empty praise! Or is it? We dress in it and show in sparkly praise-robes, and try to contest whose is the longest, only in the race to fall on the ground with our bleeding nose!

Disaster comes and strikes us but only if we stand on a solid rock, will we emerge to overcome, to break through, and to see the rainbow after the severe storm.

Triumph and Disaster but neither, nor death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, no any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God.

At the appointed time neither my sympathizers nor my enemies will be present and I will have to give an account on my every thought, word and deed, and so I should keep my focus, and blow the dust from my eyes to keep on going on the ordained path.

What man’s life is but a mere breath, his days are but like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone and its place remembers it no more.
But it is only my Creator’s initiative that brings me into significance. Inspired by the Lover’s song – I can love, I can kiss until my lips burn and I can give until it hurts.
I catch the moment and walk through it on my toes …with the heart full of delight.

The Letter

In a little envelope a piece of white paper is folded neatly.
It is a little bit heavier then the armful of fluffy snow.
But its content is more precious than the chest full of jewelry.

The words from the paper transfer to me the beat of your heart,
And it echoes to me the dreams of your childhood.
The sentences they reveal to me your fears and concerns,
And every letter speaks to me of your friendship and love.

Each time the postman arrives I want to give him a big hug.

I noticed that very often people are trapped by their own judgments.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” - The Highest Judge

From Leisure

What is this life, if full of care
We have no time to stand and stare?
No time to see when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
A poor life this is if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

- W. H. Davies

It is when I am ungrateful,
Then I start taking life, love, people and things for granted.

Cause She’s Loving Him Still…

All the roses faded away long time ago and
The snow fell and melted three winters ago.

In her dreams she feels his warmth but in the mornings - she is all-alone.
Can she keep the dream alive?

She cannot stop breathing; she has to go on.
She is strong in love.

One thing she asked – to love until her feet touch the ground, until her heart still beats.
She is happy the world has him.

Not A Kid any More

Having walked for a couple of hours from one office to the next, I found myself exhausted but I had to stride before the office would shut for the lunch break.

To shorten the way, I turned into the park where I saw this little girl with big blonde curls dressed in her little blue jeans and pinky girly shoes. Down her cheeks, like crystals, streamed huge tears and she screamed, looking at her grandma, “I cannot walk any more! My legs hurt!!! I cannot walk! I need help! Please, carry me!!!”

Sometimes little kids get grumpy and cranky and grown-ups get puzzled or distressed because their reality and perspective of things do not coincide with the reality of a child.
Little children let the grown-ups deal with their reality.

I admit that little bodies have their strings to pull, but I also think that we grown-ups, very often with good intentions to train well our child, forget that we learnt how to maneuver and go around in our world that we built out of pretence and performance. We do not tolerate divergence but demand conformity, we are heartless to the weak and we often laugh at the one who honestly reveals her weakness or limitations, and we have little compassion to offer, less encouragement and inspiration, if at all. But a spanking or reproach.

It is not appropriate to let the kid any time at any place spill her attitudes, but there should be space to let her be, to let her feel and help her to be safe when she finds her limitation, not by reproach but by a stretched hand that will mean, “I will be with you. I will help you.”

I am not a kid any more. I could not stamp my feet and squeeze my feasts in the middle of the road, though I wished I could join the blonde curly babe, at least for a minute. I wish I could scream that I was tired of making this stupid campaigns initiated by the failing fat bureaucracy.
My reality was that I still had to walk another couple of blocks. And I had to deal with my grown-up reality. I happily looked at the girl who found compassion in her grandma who took her to the bench, and I moved on remembering that I had the reason to meddle in the paper procedures and bureaucratic offices. I smiled – it was a good reason!

It Does Not Matter

On a thin white china plate I have a piece of freshly baked French bun with cherry filling.
I like it on a chilly day with a cup of hot tea.

I thought it would be sweeter if I could share it with my mom, only to learn that she does not like it.

First I was a bit touched that my mom disliked it, and then I wanted to convince her that it was yummy, but in a minute I realized that it is ok. She does not have to.

I do not have to push her to enjoy, cause we enjoy things when we freely do so.
And I can enjoy the French buns with my both hands.
And my mom likes a piece of sugar with a cup of tea.
Such we are! As long as the tea time flows into a heart time.

Not So Strange to Me after All

Today I was walking through the center of our town.
The streets were jam-packed with people at lunchtime and I wanted to turn on a street that led through the park, in a hope to be away from the crowd.
There are some days when I want to be swept by the colorful wave of the multitude,
And I do not mind to exchange few glances and occasionally peep into one’s world even if it is just for a second.
But there are also other days, when I want to walk through the quietness of the street and to hear the crunch of the autumn leafs, to walk almost invisible to the hundred of eyes.

I still had to jump into the business of the town and as I walked, I saw a young lady, who in a warm sunny day wore her furry hood. First I thought it was strange, but then a thought came to me, that maybe it is her own way of being on her own from the crowd. Probably it was her own way of being different: her particular way of out standing or possibly desiring a bit of extra attention. We all have our needs. She did not seem so strange to me after all.

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

- Langston Hughes

TO MY FRIEND

I took a walk under the rain with the wind throwing raindrops on my face. Night streets became my closest friends.

The dark sky with the stars and the majestic mountains covered still with the snow, which during the day shines brightly under the beams of the sun, inspire hope in me and extend the peace.

When I lay down on the chest of my mother and hear the beat of her heart I get strength and comfort, yes… the life goes on …and the invisible eye of the Maker oversees both the starry sky and the magnificent mountains. His hand has held my mother’s heart through the difficult times… and it sustained her, this hand helped her to make it through.

I shall believe that this same invisible hand will hold us and guide us … and I will continue to turn my face to the Sky and in the direction to the mountains and I will continue to say my prayers and will trust that they will reach the ears of the King, who sits on His throne, of whom I ask to take care of you, to hold you close, to comfort you.

I do not know how the prayers work, but I will ask that through the little breeze God will give you a kiss on the cheek, that through the ray of the sun He touches your head and rans through your hair. I ask Him to speak to you through some beautiful scenery and through the human relationship to reach out to you with the hug.

The Heart

I am thankful for this heart of flesh; a heart of stone would be heavy and cold.
Though the heart of flesh is aching – not much to compare with so precious as to live heart life bursting with joy, and delight, and love, and pain, and sorrow and even loss.
The heart of flesh may hurt and ache and cry and fear,
But the heart of flesh loves, breathes, and beats and stops for a moment…and constricts and beats again.
Never do I want to exchange the heart of flesh on a heart of stone, or bronze or silver and even gold.

Lessons from my previous years

· To appreciate relationships and enjoy friendship while I have them. A good friend and a good relationship are a gift from God.
· Life is short; I should not waist my time on fighting, arguing, complaining and gossip.
· I was forgiven; who am I not to pardon another person?
· Enjoy the beauty of creation.
· To have Hope does not mean to sit passively, to have Hope means to strive through the life with passion through all of its ups (good) and downs (bad) with the song and assurance in my heart that the Love, Faith and Humility won.
· I may not know and even if I knew, I would not understand all the deep reasons why people make certain decisions. Human being is much more complicated than I think he/she is. I am not in a position to judge but I was given the example to love, and to love is my responsibility.
· I am most in need of Love, Patience, Forgiveness, Kindness and Encouragement. So, Alyona, be generous in offering the same to others.
· Remember that dark and low times are just for a short time and even such can work for my benefit, I just need to uplift my eyes and focus on the Main History Maker.

In Your Absence

This evening I walked through the street – alone.
It was not fair that wind was playing with my hair.
I wished to sink in your embrace. It was a sting.

My phone rang. It was like a big bang into my silence.
I am not all alone. You are on this earth, even as it is not near.
You are there.

In Waiting Motion…

I am caught up in the battle between winter and spring,
Yet I know that there is the One who is in control of the seasons.

I am caught up in the inner battle between my renewed self and my old nature,
Yet I know who is battling for me.

As I am in a waiting motion as I transit to the Father’s house,
I cannot afford to do nothing – I am a part of the battle.

I shall seek God’s counsel as to my next move,
It is He who trains my arms for the battle that I can win.

Time and Distance

Through the time and distance –
Will love grow or wither?

Stirred by the fall of the snowflake – tender kiss;
Wind’s ardent embrace – feeble feet;
Starry night sky – love whispers into the ears;
Autumn leafs whirling – enduring promises.

Both time and distance – the constant observers and witnesses.

Time and Again

Hurt by a word or thought – or
By the absence of a word or thought?
Time and again an opportunity to forgive
An opportunity to let it go…
Yet not to let go the love and grace.

December 27th, 2005


Extended Kindness….

Beyond the enchanting smile that
Strikes almost everyone,
Behind the brave and never-lost-the-battle appearance
It is his beautiful heart and soul that have compassion for the men
This has awakened my inner world.

In the midst of a busy urban flow
Demands and pressure of daily life,
It is his openness and genuine interest of other’s wellbeing,
Passionate and full of life aspiration -
This challenges me to live life at its full.

It is not about staying safe in the comfortable boundaries
I have demarcated,
Observing from a distance peacefully and uninterested,

And even it is not about being the subject of his love and extended kindness
Which pour out from the storehouse of a generously loving heart;
It is not life lived at the expense of other, so willingly giving…
It is love for the sake of love…